Friday, August 05, 2005

Biting the Bullet

This is a confession. I am the most emotionally flippant person I know. Swear. If you've read more than one entry in this blog you know that my thoughts on anything relating to the heart, changes with the direction of the wind. I write this blog because I find it therapeutic. I'll write an entire entry about some whim that I'm on because it helps me sort through the voices in my head. Yes, call me Cybil. I love telling you all about my problems and issues because for whatever reason getting it out of my head and onto cyber-paper makes it all come together for me.

Its not surprise that I have insecurities - Uh Yeh, HELLO McFLY!!! You don't' need to be a genius to read the underlying tone of this blog to understand that I do in fact have some major insecurities - we all do, its a matter of how badly we let them affect us. As you all know I went through a bad relationship, he fed off of those insecurities and used them to his advantage. Fortunate for me I was smart enough to recognize my unhappiness and move on...kudos to me. Although I still have some insecurities, writing them out, discussing them with you, and you, and of course, can't forget you...I feel better. I see it all laid out in front of me and I say to myself "Geez I can be so silly sometimes." I could certainly delete any one of the posts that I write and keep some self preservation, but that wouldn't be any fun now would it? I'm not alone, and sharing my insecurities, my problems, my thoughts, my feelings, my success, my failures, my heartache, well it all may very well help someone else to feel not so alone. Props to me.

Yesterday I was worried (again worrying + insecurity = NOT GOOD) about whether or not my special guy would make plans with me this weekend. As of yesterday, I was caught between two decisions - waiting him out or asking him myself. Let me break this down. I have NO problems waiting it out. None. My life continues with or without him. Get it? Schedules are hard, more so on his part, and I understand 1000%, he's got a life and so do I. However, the vibes he sends me via phone, email and most especially in person are pretty intense, so of course I would feel like there are some mixed signals here when he does not make future plans. Can't blame me.

I also have no problems asking him, however, I do not want to come across desperate because men can be fickle and when something is presented to them on a platter they can snub it. I don't want to set myself up for that. Although I can tell already that he is not going anywhere anytime soon, I can't help but second guess my actions. I'm new to this, I've been hurt more than once and even though I can't protect myself from being hurt again, I don't want to look back and think woulda, coulda, shoulda.

I am by no means taking myself off the market either. I would be stupid to do that. I'll entertain offers and keep the game going until such time permits me to hand in my dating license. He's busy, I can't help but wonder where I will fit in with his life. He lives far, not obnoxiously far, but if and when we do see each other, we will have to always plan it in advance. There will be no late night booty calls (aw shucks) and no "Let's grab a quick bite to eat." These are things to consider.

Last night Trixie and I took the night off from karaoke at the 101. We were invited to a birthday party in the city at a club called Crobar. Well. I knew this was going to be fun the second I noticed this bar was next to Scores. For those of you who are not from the area, Scores is a "gentleman's" club and I use that term loosely just like its women, but I digress. Some of you have probably heard our friend Howard Stern talk about this place as this is basically the only strip club he will go to. Anyway, I'm getting off my point here, I knew immediately this would be fun just for that single omen.

Crobar has an after work party, complete with DJ and drink specials as this is a full fledged club. At 7:10 p.m. we walk up and get carded and mention Jill's birthday. Well. We do not pay admission, we are given "special" VIP tags and we are escorted through the entire club to the VIP section. Talk about service. And this place was jamming. HOLY TOLEDO BATMAN. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that it was perpetually 1:00 a.m. in this place. Immediately we get a drink and start dancing. We did not stop until our departure at 11:00 p.m. That's right, we called it early because that's just it, it felt like it was 2:00 a.m. and time for bed. Swear. It was the most wonderful thing EVER. For someone who has to get up at 5:30 a.m. and be in work by 7, this was glorious. Oh lordy lord lord lord. Imagine having the entire club, nightlife experience during normal hours. Truly poetic.

I was having a good time and we weren't there all that long when Trixie pulled out her phone to start telling people what a great place this was. I was in a great mood, I felt good, I looked good, so I broke down and pulled out the Batphone and sent a text message to my bo. I can be very manipulative when I want something and since he just wasn't moving fast enough, I did it, I used my sexual prowess to suck him into my forcefield. (fuck you, as a woman its my god given right).

Batphone: "Ok, this club is next 2 Scores and its packed!"
Him: "Niiiiiiiccccceeeee."
Batphone: "Not as nice as my rack tho"
Him: "I wouldn't know anything about that."
Batphone: "How easily you forget the mounds of joy. So sad."
Him: "Sounds like you need to refresh my memory."
Batphone: "Sunday?"
Him: "Uuuummm...I think you can twist my arm."
Batphone: "Nice."

End of conversation. So I bit the bullet. Not exactly how I wanted it to go down, but we'll see if he plans the day or what. He wants me to see his house, I want to see his house. We talk about cooking dinner together and that will most likely be what happens, but again, we'll see. Send me love vibes people.

Oh and one other thing, yes, drunk voicemails occurred last night. I am tentatively preparing a post about drunk voicemails and I'm making an offer here. If you would like to receive a drunk message from yours truly, please feel free to email me at the address listed. Normally I call work voicemails, giving you a little present in the morning. This weekend has a lot of potential for drunken debauchery as its Trixie's birthday. Happy Birthday Gurl. So have a fabu weekend, be safe, be well and send me some of those love vibes.


Anne Arkham said...

Funny; there's a Crobar in Chicago, too. I didn't realize they were a chain.

NCTRNL said...

When I heard her say Crobar I immediately thought of Chicago. Hmmm... Either way...I love drunken voice mails...