Tuesday, August 09, 2005

He Can Never Go Back

He misses me. He wishes he could pick up the phone and talk to me, email me, text message me - send me a letter - anything. He knows he fucked up, he knows that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he knows that I was only trying to help.

He's scared and he's hurting. He broke both his arms just like I said he did. He was loaded. His drinking got so bad at one point that he was cracking his first beer at 11:00 a.m. Sad. So very sad.

He has no stability in his life. His own parents told him to straighten out or they never want to speak to him again. Ouch. He's decided to stop running in the circle he's running in. No more of the bad friends. No more drinking.

Yeh right. Whatever.

If you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about Ted. Its so very sad, the whole thing. I pity him. Pity the fact that although he is trying to quit drinking, we all know that won't happen. He can't do it. His vices are too great, he'll never live up to the potential he has. That's what was so hard about being with him - I was torn. He really was a nice guy, well liked by all - he was popular, the mayor of our company basically. Very good looking - oh god he was hot and great in bed. Cohabitating was easy, we co-existed very well. We helped each other and respected one another enough to work together, I would pull out the garbage, he'd be behind me with a new bag. We clicked, we got each other, we were very happy when it came to the domesticated life. But the second, the absolute second the first beer was cracked I was on my guard not knowing which direction he was headed. It was night and day. Jekell and Hyde. Most nights were uneventful, but you could never tell. Then again drugs were involved, more drugs than I knew.

I suspected the drugs - the coke and the pills - I most certainly knew about the marijuana. I wanted to be blind, I didn't want to admit that this man I loved so intensly, so unconditionally, had a problem. He would deny all of it, swearing on his handicapped sister's life that he was not doing the hard stuff anymore. Who swears on their handicapped sister's life? Who? Someone with everything to lose, that's who.

I wanted our lives to be perfect and on many levels so did he. But his problems, his skeletons were too great. Drunken/drugged up stoopers made life easier to deal with. He's of the weak sort. He's not a survivor, he's a manipulator. He'll have you believing he's a poor soul faster than you can blink an eyelash. He knows how to play the pity card, oh yes, yes he does.

It all came to a crashing halt. His new or more recently, ex-girlfriend wound up being a psycho. He was drunk and throwing out her stuff when he dropped his beer, slipped and fell. He was too loaded to catch himself and thus broke his arms. Yikes.

I know that Karma is kicking his ass pretty hard right now. He's put lots of bad things into this universe by his increasing lying and manipulating and unfortunately its biting him in the ass. I always told him that Karma would come back at him, thus his confession to a friend of mine.

Mary and I aren't sure if he divulged all of this information because she is a good listener or if its because she and I still talk once in awhile. I bumped into her boyfriend two weeks ago - he happens to be Ted's brother. Guess Ted was smart enough to know that I would call her to say hi and that I saw his brother. Not sure and I'm not interested enough to find out.

To say that I don't still think of Ted would be an absolute lie. I do think about him. I think about how sad it all was. I think about our friendship, the real true deep connection we had and how at some point in time I broke through that. I think about how he wanted to marry me, but I told him that I had no plans to ever marry again - his response "If that's what it takes to be with you." But then I think about the lies and how easy it was for him to find someone else before I gave up the apartment. I think about how mean he was to me on the phone and how thankful I am that I placed a restraining order on him. Because without that order, he would still be in my life on some level. I'd still be hurting.

Its gratifying to know that I have the upper hand.

Did it feel good to hear that he still thinks about me? Yes. Of course it did - I'm not dead, I still have feelings. I loved this man unconditionally, its a weird form of vindication to know he hurts over me.

I hope to god that I never bump into him again. I hope I never lay eyes on him because that's how much it would hurt. To be spontaneously reminded of we would of, could of and should of been. He will never be allowed in my life again. Despite his dreams and delusions, I can't allow it and I won't allow it.

He can never go back and right all the wrong he's done by me. He can't take back the lies, the deception, the stealing (not of money but pills).

Last night I was clearing out some stuff on my computer - looking through some new photos I shot of the city and that's when it happened. I came across pictures of New Year's Eve of us so happy together. A great looking, smiling all American couple. In love.

I shed a tear because it was only this past Saturday that I heard the news of his undying love for me. His confession that he did in fact fuck up and he's trying to make right by himself. Trust me though, I did not dwell on the pictures. I closed the icon and returned to watching TV. I had my moment, I let it happen and I moved on.

I've daydreamed of showing up on his doorstep months from now to show him how awesome I'm doing. To show him how great my life can be without him. But they are dreams and I don't think I want to open that can of worms and make myself susceptible to additional hurt. From the day we met we had a connection, I'm afraid of rekindling that connection whether as lovers or friends, I don't need it. Nope. Not doin' it. But in a way I have a feeling he's not out of my life entirely. Not sure if its nostalgia or if I really do know that I will see him again. I do believe I'll see him again - that's my luck. I don't want to, but I will. I just hope I'm attached to some rich hot guy when it happens. - So glad I can keep my sense of humor.


NCTRNL said...

All I can say is that you tried harder than I would have tried...to stay with him...

Anonymous said...

After that first paragraph I thought you were talking about me, sheesh.