Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Flabidy Flab Flab Flab

As many of you are aware, Sex in the City has been replaying reruns not only on HBO, but on TBS as well. I love this show and now that I'm in the dating world again, I relate to it all that more. An episode aired about two weeks ago that had me falling off my bed when it reminded me of this awful thing that happened to me. This horrid experience happened to me a few years back and I had put it out of my mind until I saw this episode. Anyway, please picture Sex in the City/Samantha while I describe this. It will only make it more funny.

This particular occurrence happened with someone I had been intimate with. I liked him, he liked me - all was wonderful with the world. We hit it off, we dated, we talked, we became intimate - made out, fooled around - again, all was just peachy keen.


Oh dear God help me, until one day we fooled around and he got out of the bed to dress. Well. His butt was ghastly flat. Like old man flat - like, "don't you have an ounce of muscle in there?" flat. Do a lunge or something - what is that thing hanging from your back!!!!! It was like two deflated balloons just sagging there waiting to be pumped up. Yuk. Gross. Ew.

Awful. Just awful. I stared at that flabby flesh and almost screamed in horror. The blood drained from my face and I began to choke because of the sheer surprise of it all. The gag reflex occurred and I threw up a little in my mouth. Double Yuk. Double Gross. Double Ew.

I was grabbing that thing and didn't notice! (shiver) How did I not notice before? How could I not observe this? His clothes were incredibly deceptive. The jeans he wore were well worth the money spent because I had no idea and being a butt man, this really threw me for quite the loop. I decided right there and then that I could NEVER look at his flat bum again.

I brought up the Sex in the City reference because the same thing happened to Samantha when she made out with an older man, and when he went to the bathroom to pee she peeked at his arse and she was revolted. She packed up and left without even a goodbye. I relate to her pain, I feel it all too well as this image is forever burned into my cranium. Never. To leave. Again.

Is it completely narcissistic of me to lose interest in a guy because his ass is awful?

Perhaps. Maybe.

I know I don't want to be judged on my boobs and ass, but since both are fabulous, I really don't have anything to worry about now do I? Ok, I give up. Spare me the lecture because I already know you can't judge a book by its cover - but come on now! What was that? I mean we're not talking about an old man here. Yes he was tall and thin, but do something about that will ya! For crying out loud that was awful, just dreadful, appalling. Blacgh!

**"Anonymous" - yeh I don't think I ever saw your butt so you have nothing to worry about. Would I be wrong in my assumption?


I've always been a flirt. Since the day I was born I've been batting my brown eyelashes at just about everyone. It didn't matter if I was a tomboy covered in mud, if you were a target, I flirted. I flirted with boys, I flirted with men and evidently I am still great at flirting with disaster.

Its something that has always come naturally to me. Not sure why or how, it just has. I didn't realize this until I was in my early teens, and someone said to me, "Mer you're such a flirt!" Gee Really? I never noticed.

It was uncanny how I knew what to say and when. I knew when to throw that glance here and there, touch a hand or a knee - it was all good in adolescent hood. Older boys and eventually older men just ate it up like their last meal.

So I ask this. When, dear lord help me, when did I become shy?

There are approximately 7,500 employees where I work, uh yeh, pretty big place right? Because of its enormity, the better half of the staff must park offsite in various locations and be bused in. You meet a lot of co-workers and you get to know a few new ones.


Today, in the garage I'm behind a Chevy Gold Blazer with bigger than normal tires. Bingo chip one. He drives like me, fast yet cautious. Bingo Chip two. He parks ahead of me but I get out of my car first and start walking up the ramp - he's watching me. Bingo chip three. He's really checking me out, he's VERY handsome. Bingo chip four. We make eye contact and I don't look away - I'm thinking "Is he really still looking at me? Oh my god, I hope my ass looks fabu in these pants - oh right, I'm wearing the light tan ones with no undies, I'm good."

I get on the bus, take one of the first seats and wait. But I want to be nonchalant right so I look the other way. I want to confirm that there was a little somethin' somethin' going on before. Something in the form of interest. When I see his reflection in the glass as he approaches I look up - we catch eyes. BINGO!!!!!

Let's stop here a moment. I asked a very important question earlier. When did I, Meredith (insert very Italian last name) become shy? When did I lose my inherent art form?

He's holding his gaze, I coyly (yuk) half smile and look away. What is that?!!!!!!!! I didn't even hold the stare long enough to really establish the "HELLO I"M INTERESTED!" look. I didn't even get to check out the goods because I had to look away. What the Fuck Mer? You're letting all your doodads down when you disappoint so freely like that.

The only thing I can fathom is that for the first time in my life I am in fact alone. I have no one to fall back on so I therefore cannot flirt freely with nothing to lose. Can it be as simple as that?

Of all that is holy, this guy was hot. Not model hot, but Harrison Ford handsome hot. The only saving grace I have right now is that at least I know we work the same shift and we park in the same area. He knows my car and I his. Then again, I have NO idea if he has a girlfriend or wife - even a boyfriend. All I know is that there was some intense flirting with that first look. I mean I felt his eyes on my ass - let's be honest people, who can resist?

Wish me coincidental luck. I have to do some research and figure out where he works (he wears a uniform) and then I will relentlessly stalk him and make him mine. Oh yes, he will be mine.

And lastly, Bless the construction workers on this campus. I say this campus because our company uses the same construction company and I've known a few of them for years now. In the last few weeks they have been doing construction on the first floor of my building and they have treated me to a montage of funny one liners on the elevators and halls. But today's takes the cake.

I'm waiting in the lobby to meet another secretary. I'm standing there minding my own business when I see one of the construction workers who always says hello to me - I'm friendly, I say hello to everyone - sue me. He passes me and then comes back:

Him: "Excuse me. I'm sorry, what is your name?"
Me: "Meredith" I reply as he shakes my hand.
Him: "Hi, I'm Steve."
Me: "Nice to meet you Steve."
Him: "Likewise. I just have one question."
Me: "Sure, shoot." - not sure where this is going
Him: "I was just wondering if its hard being so damn cute all the time?"
Me: "Oh shut up." Totally laughing in his face giggling away.
Him: "Seriously, does it come naturally or what?"
Me: "Dude, you just made my day."

And that was that. Nice right? Oooooohhhhhh my mojo is good today. Oh bajesus LOOK OUT!


NCTRNL said...

I don't even know what to comment on. The fact that you wore those hot tan pants with no underwear or the fact that you flirt with everything in site.

Matt said...

I'm with nctrnl on that... There was a lot there to comment on... where to begin, where to begin? I had a friend with no ass... I think it made a big difference in his dating life...

NCTRNL said...

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