Thursday, August 04, 2005

Snooze and You Lose

By nature, I'm a worry wart. I worry about things out of my control and that was a huge problem of mine for a long time. I have no idea where or when it started - it just did. Ted used to tell me that I needed to relax and calm down about certain things and in a way he was right, but he also gave me lots of reasons to worry, but I digress.

Since our separation I've learned more to go with the flow. Its been a lot easier especially now that I've been single for four months and I'm proud of myself. I have my setbacks, but then I realize that life is going at its own pace, I'm moving by my own choice, no one else's. And I'll display an example by the end of this post.

The psychic told me the other night that I'm a control freak - "uh yeh, hello, My Name is Meredith (insert VERY Italian last name) and I have to know what is going on at all times. "

Its in my nature. If a bad situation arises, I always know what to do - going into that flight or fight mode is automatic. That's why for the longest time my family seriously thought that I would become a doctor and that's why until this day they still call me when some ailment is bothering them and sure enough I'm usually right. Of course I still daydream of being a doctor, but that dream has past, that ship has sailed, there is no way in hell I would ever want to go through that much schooling ever again. I barely have my 50 college credits now and I have no desire to return. Sad but true.

Because I worry so much about my future and my career, I reapplied for college in June thinking that I would get accepted for the Spring semester, but low and behold, I was accepted for the fall. I'm seriously not ready and I've made my decision not to go back for more than one reason. Again, very sad but true.

But I still worry about myself and where I'm going. I still worry about my money because for the first time in my life I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I have money in a brokerage account, a nice chunk that will help me retire at a very nice youthful age, but still I do not want to touch that. That is my nest egg, that's my plan B.

I also worry about the stupidest shit imaginable. Things beyond my control and I've learned and yes I guess you could say that I'm still learning to let sleeping dogs lie (lay, whatever). I was hoping by today that my special guy would be asking me to make plans this weekend to do - I don't know - SOMETHING and he has yet to broach the subject. Now I know very well how busy he is - we speak everyday remember? And yes I know that he has a lot on his plate, but when you are that into someone, don't you want to see them? Don't you want to make sure that you set something up for the near future? I'm not asking for wine, candles and a roaring fire, I'm asking for a little one on one time. There is just so much "talking" one can do over the phone. Call me crazy, but there is something to be said about the physical time (and I'm not talking horizontal mambo here) you spend with another person. You need that chemistry, you need to look into the other person's eyes and know that there is a spark, its not make believe. I want to know that this isn't in my head.

Of course at 10:14 p.m. when I got off the phone with him last night, I had to call Trixie and vent. After laughing and giggling for the better part of 20 minutes, she reminded me that this is what dating is about. We are both used to being in relationships where things get set up and snow ball day after day. She said those frightful words to me that are still echoing in my perfect ears, "This is what it is like to date."

Shit.

Off to bed I went and I sat there contemplating what she said. I brought myself back down from the snit I had worked myself into and realized that this isn't a big deal. In a way I wound up feeling indifferent. I already know what my weekend plans are and should he not choose to ask me to do anything, so be it. I know that his horoscope said that if he doesn't stop to take a look around and enjoy the romance in his life, he'll lose it. My sentiments EXACTLY.

Then I guess I know why I don't want to put in all this effort. Seriously, I want to be a brat and have him make the plans, have him tell me he wants to see me. I know I could very well call him up, email him or even text him a message on our phones about seeing each other, but I won't. Twice I've invited him out and twice something else came up. I'm not feeling very special here, that much is true.

Too many times I've made myself reasonably available for him and anyone else I've been with. Not anymore, this guy is going to have to work for it. I'm sorry that so many others have ruined it for him, but oh well, such is life. I will not be at anyone else's beck and call and therefore I will not ask him about this weekend, I will not ask him to come see me or I him. If it happens it happens. See what I mean about getting myself all worked up? But no worries here. Done.

Call me a bitch, call me a brat, I really don't give a rat's ass. This is my life and this is what I need to do for self preservation.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

you should have just married me

NCTRNL said...

I can see it now. He's probably writing the same thing on his blog. Sometimes if you want something you have to stop playing games and go get it. You can't sit there and hope that he knows that he should ask you to do something. If you want to do something, get ahold of him and ask him. I swear...