Tuesday, August 23, 2005

He's Found Mer

I'm a dumbass. No, that's Major Dumbass to you.

About two weeks ago I was invited to Ken's house for a BBQ/house warming party. As is custom at a BBQ, I drank and drank and drank. During the course of the evening one of his friends was using the computer to which I thought "Hmph, I'll check my hotmail account to see if any of my wonderful readers left any comments."

Well. Stupid move.

Thursday night I'm running into the liquor store while Trixie waited in the car. Low and behold Ken gives me a ring. A few minutes into the conversation he announces, "I found your website."

Ken knew about my website. He knew that I had a blog and that I wrote on it everyday. What he didn't know was the actual address of it. I told him that eventually I would give it to him, when I was good and ready for him to learn that much about me. Because let's be honest people, I write some pretty fucked up shit sometimes. I thought all was good with the world, that this could always be my dirty little secret. Until I left my hotmail address on his computer.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He's rather clever and curious by nature, so he googled the name "Finding Mer" and thus stumbled upon my website.

Let me just tell you my stomach dropped out my ass. My face went pale and I said, "Come again?" Yes, he indeed found my website. Good news is, he told me he found it and he hadn't read it. He knows that I'm insecure about it and that I had good reason for him not to read it - yet.

The entire weekend (I was off on Friday) I wondered if he did perhaps peruse my site. If it ate at him like it would any normal human being. I did not have access to the internet so I was unable to re-check the site for bad content. I'm not worried about him reading about my past relationships (he's actually met Ted), I'm worried about what I might have written about him. Sometimes I shoot my mouth off without really thinking of consequences. I write what I feel when I'm feeling it - this is my diary, my thought process, my home.

I allow all of you to see glimpses and pieces of me and I'm fine with that - chances that I'll meet you are slim to none. But this is a potential suitor. He doesn't need to know if I worried whether or not he would call me or how I feel. That's the fun of being in a relationship, getting to know one another - with this website, he has cart blanche to figure me out. Advantage him.

Although if he crosses me in any shape, matter or form, I can write some pretty obnoxious things about him on this website. Advantage me.

Yesterday I spent the better part of the day reviewing my site and I have deemed it safe for him to read.....that is he can read April, May, June and July. August will have to continue to be off limits until further notice. Sorry, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Am I doing the wrong thing? He's a pretty level headed person so I don't think he'll take offense to anything I've written. Hhhhmmm, then again perhaps he'll find my site quite boring and leave well enough alone. I guess only time with tell.

1 comment:

NCTRNL said...

The age-old problem. You want him to know but you don't...