Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Inner Peace? Nope, Not Here.

Moving on is not as easy as I thought it would be. I still hurt and I still have nights where I cry before I fall off to sleep. Sleep used to be a happy place where I had the most ellaborate dreams of vacations and Scooby Doo murder mysteries. I liked my dreams, now I hate them. I hate them because I dream of past people but in present time.

My exhusband keeps coming back in my dreams and we fight. I don't get this because I don't think about the man. I don't care what is going on with him . I don't want him there, yet he's always there. Sometimes he's smiling, other times I'm yelling exactly like I used to. Sometimes he has his baby and his wife in our home. I see my old house, the painted walls, the refinished floors - all done by my hand. But the furniture is different and the sunlight not as bright as I remember. Its quiet and I'm looking around checking things out and I'm alone. Then, even though I don't want to see them I do and I try to be friendly, but there is too much anger and hurt there and it inevitably always ends bad.

Sometimes I dream about Ted, but not as much as the exhusband. With Ted I fall asleep thinking about the good stuff that I remember. I remember the laughter and the spiritual bond. Yes, that's precisely how to explain us, we were very spiritually connected, so much so that we could finish the other's sentence without ever really discussing the actual topic. He'd hug me and it felt like home. That's what was so hard about everything. The fact that I can't help the way it all felt when I was with him. I can't tell you how many times something happens to me and my first reaction is to call Ted. Then I catch myself because there isn't anyone to call who would get the joke but him. I miss that.

Perhaps I need closure? I don't think I've acheived that yet. But how do I obtain it without actually conversing with him? Best to leave it alone for a little while I guess. But the emotional instability needs to stop. Gots to find inner peace.

Ken is sweet, and he's funny, but is he just what I need to move on? I thought I was ready, yet since I started dating Kenny the dreams and these thoughts have increased. I used to be comfortable with relationships, now I'm not. I'm afraid to get into something again and due to my loyalties end up with someone else - is this some kind of emotional love stress that I'm going through? Fuck. I can't take it anymore. I need change and I need a few days away.

This weekend I am headed to Newport, Rhode Island to stay with my cousin. She's in her 60's and she's a pisser. She's way cool and hip, she gets it and I can't help but say that I have a certain bond with her, especially now that I'm older. She's seen the world, she's dealt with every type of person there is and she's a survivor. I'm looking forward to hanging with her without the normal family around. I have a feeling I'm going to come away all the wiser.

Last time I saw her, she pulled me aside and told me to come visit. She met Ted and my exhusband and she knows the type of guy I like - hot. "Listen Kiddo, you come up here and you stay with me anytime. There's a great bar down the street you can walk to and there's a few bars in town. Lots of men." - I had NO IDEA she spoke Mer.

As I'm not very good at meeting strange men and I'm all of a sudden shy, I'm hoping to break the habit this weekend and do a little research. I need a game plan. For instance, I ain't talking to any men unless their last names are Vanderbilt, Rockerfeller or Diddy. Ok so that's a little over board, I know, but its a start right? That would be narrowing the margin a bit thin.

Trixie and I are headed out early Friday morning and we come back Sunday at some point in time. We'll lay on the beach, tour some fancy mansions, do a little shopping (VERY little shopping as my ass is broke), eat, drink and be very merry.

Come on baby let the good times roll.

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