Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Smitten Kitten

Me? The Cat? Could she really be smitten?

Last night was our first "official" date - unofficially. Yes, we've seen each other for ice cream and I've been to his place a few times (remember I started seeing him when he was in the middle of moving) so last night was the first time we actually "went out." Get it? Got it? Good.

I would have to say that the date went rather well yesterday. Believe it or not, I didn't have my usually reservations about him that I would with another guy. I was actually looking forward to dinner (gasp). I was giving him a fighting chance, which is good because that means I do in fact like him. (Trixie's gonna be so proud of me).

B and I were talking via email about the upcoming date and the fact that Ken has found my website. He was a little worried for me and he voiced pertinent concerns. I love my B, I really do, he's the brother that I don't have - I'm his younger bratty sister so we keep each other in check and I need that. Here's our conversation.

Me: Very bored today, thus the perusal of the internet and sending you that website. Going to dinner with Kenny tonight. Should be interesting.

B: Wow, a real date? I wonder what's for desert?

Me: EW, dirty boy. Yes, he's picking me up and bringing me to Cafe Blah Blah in Rutherford. Never been there, but I've heard its good.

B: You must be excited.That's cool. I hope it works out.

Me: I'm excited. I'm cautiously optimistic you could say. He found my website too. Did I tell you that?

B: No you didn't. Is that good or bad?

Me: (long paragraph about how it happened, blah blah blah) I just don't want him to have the inside scoop.

B: Yeah, of course not. You are too obsessed with this blog thing, it's getting you in trouble. At a party checking e-mail. Even if he says he didn't read any of it, he did. I'll put money on that. Unless he is the most stand up guy ever. You know "curiosity killed the cat". Sorry that was cheesy.

Me: Well actually he promised he wouldn't, so for that, I told him he could read everything excluding August. Plus if he did read it, he'll fess up. I know he will. Best part is he has the ringback tones set on his phone, so when I call him, it's the Alicia Keys song "Think of me as the pages in your diary" Uh yeh, he thinks he's funny. I do hope you get a chance to meet him at some point in time. I think you'll like him. He's pretty funny.

B: Do you really want him reading that? Isn't it personal?

Me: YEh, but he would have found it eventually. I know him, he really is the epitome of curious and the cat. He's already tried to find it. But I've known him for awhile so none of it is really a huge surprise so that's ok. I warned him too, I told him that I talk about making out with other guys and I also told him how sad some of it was because of Ted. He actually read some of it already and sent me an email telling me how strong I was for going through what I went through and if I ever want to talk about it, he was a good listener. He's actually a very secure person.

B: He's definitely into you.

Me: Um yeh. He's actually normal so I'm giving him a good chance. No hang ups or anything so this should be a treat. Glenn was super insecure, Ted was an alcoholic/druggie so someone normal will be a a nice change.

B: That's no fun. I'm sure he has something. We all have issues.

Me: Of course he lives far, he travels a lot and he won't always be there. But its still the very beginning so who knows.

B: No I didn't mean it to be nit picky, I just hate it when people aren't realistic and can't see that everyone has flaws/issues.

Me: Oh of course not. I didn't take it that way. I'll have more info after this date. Plus you have to meet him to give the thumbs up too, but that won't be until sometime after Labor Day, if it happens at all. He knows I'm a challenge, he's seen "the cat" in action and he actually likes that (barf). Plus he's Schmitty's friend and he comes highly recommended.

B: I think the cat is better than normal mer....just kidding. Had to get it in. It was too easy a set up. Good luck on the date. Get sloshed.... we like that.

Me: Yeh well, the Cat is a lot of fun. First time I met him the Cat told him we'd have sex. Go figure. Apparently she's psychic too. Definitely drinking tonight, I need it. I need copious amounts of liquor.

B: "copious" wow, big word.

Me: Well if you READ my blog you would know I am a plethora of knowledge. Sheesh.
I'm outty in a few. Have a good night.

End scene.

B didn't outwardly give me advice, he just brought me out of the clouds and that's what I love most about him. He puts the seed of thought there without shoving it down my throat.

But despite all doubts and uncertainties, the evening was a hit. I'm happy. Go me!

A few highlights where he went right:
Opening the car door each time (not just once)
He picked the restaurant
He picked me up and met mom
Good conversation
Gave good compliments

Go him.

Confession time:
I'm scared. I'm so scared that I'm almost choking. I feel the walls pressing against my body, the air is thick and humid, I'm sweaty and shaking. I worry about whether or not I'm ready to put myself out there for hurt and pain. I don't think my soul can take another bout of heartache. I'm afraid that if I'm hurt again I'll become numb and non-receptive to love. I don't think he'll do that to me, not now at least. I'm sucking it up and allowing him in. I'm allowing myself to be taken with the flow and I'm not pushing anything. I hope he doesn't think that I'm being standoffish. Does this make sense? Does anyone have any words of wisdom to help calm this crazy looney head of mine down?

Aside from that, I do believe we've found a live one. I don't think he'll hurt me, but I can't help but to have these thoughts. I'm doing my best and allowing myself to open up again and become receptive to what the future has in store for me.

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